A Lean-To is a joke my family and I have about my apartment situation in NYC. We call it the "Lean-To" because it is very small and looks like something that Indigenous People would live in. It is impossible for me to have friends over to my place or to even have one other person hang out in there. So allow me to Welcome you to my apartment via this Blog.
Do I really have to write anything here? I guess all I have to say is that NYC is without a doubt the most ridiculous city. Here is a funny conversation:
Person #1: Hey great haircut! Person #2: Thanks! Person #1: Who cut your hair? Person #2: Mei Dick.
Only in Chinatown would a dentists office be called Dr. Toothy. I would rather have my teeth cleaned in a strip mall dentist office that is just called "Dentist." I feel like Dr. Toothy would be the name of a character on Pee-Wee's Playhouse who was a dentist and perhaps it would be played by Wallace Shawn. (if you don't know who Wallace Shawn is, he played the short, bald sidekick of Andre the Giant in The Princess Bride).
So I just realized that Kenny Loggins not only sings the opening song from Caddyshack but he also sings the opening song from Caddyshack 2. In the first Caddyshack, the movie opens with Kenny singing the classic "I'm Alright." In Caddyshack 2, the movie opens with Jonathan Silverman running back to the shack for a Root Beer and the song playing is called "Nobody's Fool." Here is the video:
It's funny how in Caddyshack the name of the song Kenny sings is called "I'm Alright." The movie is a classic and the song is great. I'll say Kenny was definitely Alright. However, Caddyshack 2 is a bit different. The name of the song is "Nobody's Fool." Come on Kenny, let it go. The movie is terrible, Jackie Mason is the lead, Chevy Chase and Dan Aykroyd are terrible in it and the new Danny Noonan is Johnathan Silverman. You're pretty foolish.
I had an audition last night at the Comic Strip Live! in NYC. I destroyed which in comedy terms means I killed which in comedy terms means I had an amazing set and I didn't pass the audition. My feedback consisted of:
1.) "You went over your time a little bit." 2.) "Don't start off with drug jokes. People look at you with your long hair, beard and Grateful Dead shirt and they figure it out." 3.) "I love that weather channel bit. Keep writing original bits like that."
I love how he told me to keep working on original bits like the weather channel bit. This guy must hear bits about NY city Thai Restaurants called Joey Thai on a nightly basis.
I cannot believe they are re-making the movie The Stepfather. Come on!!! I am beside myself right now. Even though I will go see it just out of curiosity, I only have one Stepfather and that is the great Terry O'Quinn who perfected the role way before he was Lost on a island.
I'm just sitting here at my temp job, not working, and I wanted a snack so I went into the kitchen, poured myself a bowl of cheerios and dumped a spoonful of honey on top of them basically turning a normal bowl of cheerios into honey cheerios, which is something that I haven't done since I was about six. Perhaps tomorrow I should whip up some toast with butter and sprinkle some cinnamon and sugar on it thus turning it into Cinnamon Toast. That would really show off my maturity.
Whose that with the sexy new look? Its Duane, Its Duane! Looks like Duane Reade got a little sick of their old look. This one is located on the Upper West Side and oh my does it look good. I may have to wear a collared shirt next time I go to pick up some Imodium AD.
I don't know if I have ever had a favorite song. I feel like your favorite song is something that you can always listen to no matter what type of mood you are in or what you are doing. With that said the song "Queen Bee" by Taj Mahal takes home the prize.
My favorite part of riding the NYC subway are the advertisements. The best one has always been the ad for Dr. Zizmor who apparently is a World Class dermatologist and the picture above is a Before/After picture of one of his patients. This guy must be quite the dermatologist because it looks like he turned Sean Penn into a woman.
For all those interested about where I live, well here it is. This is the inspiration for the blog. This picture is taken from the entrance to my "apartment." As you can see, the bed is the same as the floor. I remember a friend of mine came into town and he was like, "Hey man do you have a place for me to stay?" I said, "Unfortunately I don't. My place is really small." He then said, "Thats okay. I'll just crash on the floor." To which I replied, "There is no floor. My bed is the floor and if you were to sleep on the "floor" in my apartment well lets just say our friendship might never be the same."
Just so people know who they are dealing with at the Temp Job.
I remember when I first put that up someone saw it and started laughing. They were like "Phil the Temp. haha, thats funny. Did you put that up?" I'm like "No I ordered them from Corporate. What the hell do you think?" I actually didn't say that but I should have.
I don't know if Rod Stewart loves the Hamptons but Rod Stuart seems to love them. But what if this Rod Stuart is actually THE Rod Stewart and he is now some sort of street artist? Maybe this is how he remains Forever Young?
I am bored at my temp job right now so I decided to make this smiley face on my Cubicle post board. The face consists of thumb tacks, paper clips and leftover Breast cancer awareness pins (the nose and tongue) which were left on my desk from whoever previously sat here. I guarantee you he or she did not have the creativity of yours truly. Temps Rule!!!!!
Last night I saw a husband and wife, maybe in their 50's, walking down the street, holding hands but they were wearing the same shirts. The shirts were blue, button down shirts and had fish on them. Now in my opinion, if you are a Husband and Wife and you are wearing the same clothing then you better be a Husband and Wife Folk Duo or something, because if not then you are really creepy.
Yet another soulful tune that a white person has no business listening to. The singers name is Darondo. For some reason at first glance of this guy I figured his name would be Percy or Julius but I suppose Darondo works. Check out those rings!
So they are now starting to find debris from the Air France flight that crashed last week. Not only that but they are also beginning to pull bodies from the ocean. So I guess that kind of puts a damper on my LOST theory in that the plane and its passengers are on an island somewhere...but still, how can we be sure that Ben didn't put these bodies in the ocean and completely stage the whole crash to protect the island???
I've noticed everytime a professional athlete is asked "Three Dinner Guests?" A lot of the time they say Jesus Christ, Ghandi, and Martin Luther King. Those would be three awful dinner guests. Ghandi would probably be fasting, Jesus would only want to eat bread and Martin Luther King, well who knows what he would do or even say. The only time i've ever heard him speak is when he is giving that I Have A Dream Speech. Also, who picks up the check? Not only that, but it would be the most awkward looking dinner table. Check it out: That last one is of a young Gary Sheffield during his Soul Glo days.
While I find the crash of Air France 447 to be heartbreaking and tragic, I can't get over the fact that they haven't found any of the debris. Apparently the debris they did find wasn't that of the Air France flight. I'm a big fan of the show LOST so this story has really caught my attention. I wonder if the plane is on some island right now and was brought down because someone forgot to push the button in the hatch. I feel like pitching a show to ABC called "ALSO LOST" about LOST fans who think the Air France flight is on an island right now.
I absolutely love Soul Music. Which is weird because I am very white but I can't help it. My brother got me into it and I was immediately hooked. I don't listen to it to try to be funny either. I genuinely love it.
Something that everyone should listen to is a podcast called Soul Sendikasi. It is run by a family friend who lives in Istanbul, TURKEY and it is some of the best soul music around. If you are looking for "Lets Get it On" by Marvin Gaye or "Brick House" by the Commodores then don't come around here as Tom Petty once said. Go back to your bad wedding or whatever. But if you are looking for some real soul, funk and R&B, then click on www.soulsendikasi.com and prepare yourself for some real Deep, Soulful Tracks. Want an example? Sure thing:
I remember I mentioned Lamont Dozier (the artist above) to a black woman at a bar in Brooklyn one time and her reaction: "Oh My God! How do you know who Lamont Dozier is? Baby if I didn't already have a man, I would totally give you the panties!"
Nuff Said.
(Just for the record, that experience in Brooklyn with that black woman happeneded on my first weekend living in NYC back in 2005. Man on man, when that happened I was like "Wow, I am definitely not in college anymore.")
This is a great interview with one of my favorite comedians, Bill Hicks. Its weird that he is one of my favorite comedians because he does a lot of material about religion, politics and society and I really don't do any political or religious material. I just love his style and attitude. Enjoy!
Week 2 of my NYC marathon training starts tonight. My goal is to be the last runner to cross the finish line. I really don't care about my time or when I finish. One of the reasons I wanted to do the marathon was to see parts of NYC that I would never go to, i.e. Parts of Brooklyn by the Verrazano Bridge, the Bronx, the Upper East Side. I also want to come in last place because then maybe I will get on the news or something.
Remember this fucking creep show of a CD? I do. I remember these songs scaring the hell out of me for some reason, yet they make it out like its this relaxing music.
I feel like Pure Moods should only be listened to during an Orgy at a Castle in the Romanian countryside, during a rainstorm and there are candles and masks and no purity.
I was shopping for clothes to wear to my temp job and accidentally bought a pair of Pleated Pants. I wasn't even aware they were pleated until I looked at myself in the mirror the next day. It sucks. I would take them back but I bought them in Rochester, NY. Now I have to walk around all day looking like the host from Supermarket Sweep.
I was at a wedding two weeks ago in Palm Beach, Florida. The rehearsal dinner was held at the National Croquet Center, which is just unnecessary. Do we really need a "National Center" for that sport? I recall on the way to the event, my cousin asking me "How do you even play Croquet?" I actually have no idea how to play the sport but after spending a few hours at the National Croquet Center I learned that if you want to play Croquet, the first thing you have to do is be a Jackass.
This morning on the NYC Subway I saw a Native American man with a mullet. Now while making fun of mullets and/or naming mullets is sooooo 1999, I just can't resist. A native american with a mullet? A Last of the Mullhicans! Zing! Hey Ohhhh!
